Here at Jenna Zine dot com I care about each and every one of the eleven readers currently subscribing to this blog. (If you unsubscribe, it's a different story. I'm not made of iron!) That is why I want to share with you the most special of resources: Goodness, who came into my life unexpectedly through a Facebook email. But I can't hog her all to myself, so I reveal to you now the splendor of Goodness Goodtimes. I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you dropped her a line - she's still waiting by her email box for mine, so she's got some time on her hands.
am miss goodness by name i saw your profile right now i pick interest in you can you get back to me directly to my email address so that i can tell you more about me ( email@example.com ) i will be waiting for you at my email box not here in Facebook Thanks yours goodness Send email to me with (firstname.lastname@example.org)."
Heartfelt and heartwarming. Go on, you - enjoy some Goodness!
[Photo Credit: Are you talkin' to me?]
Any David Sedaris fans here? I sure hope so! This piece was inspired by him. Because who doesn't put bikinis and David Sedaris together? Naturally, I respect those nutso chapters he intersperses in some of his books. Like the one in Barrel Fever about breaking up with Charlton Heston to get with Mike Tyson? It's as baffling as it is brilliant. I must confess that I prefer his personal essays, but I love the way his brain works and it's fun to see his take on what happens when reality is flipped on its head. So here's my pale imitation - a stab at a moment that would never happen, but what it might look like if it did...
I was walking down the beach with the wind blowing through my hair - the perfect windswept look that was sexy, yet approachable.
And approach they did! Suddenly several handsome young men were upon me, complementing my outfit. I was proudly showing off my middle-aged figure in a one-piece bathing suit that some may throw in the "given up" category, but that I preferred to place in the "I'm just being modest" bin.
There I was, in all my splendor: my ham hock thighs rubbing together, but not so close that I was prevented from showing off my varicose veins and highlighting those pesky areas I always miss when I shave. My breasts were swaddling my belly - they're such good friends; who am I to keep them apart? Oh, and don't forget that wide expanse of pale skin! And my freckles. Yes, my freckles that are so numerous in number that they have their own annual dermatologist appointment. That's the package that was gleaming in the sunlight.
Finally, one of them spoke, "May I just say that you look amazing?"
I feigned modesty. Obviously I looked amazing. We all know I looked amazing.
"Fellows," I addressed them. I liked using the word "fellows" to emphasize the old-timeyness of the situation. A swimsuit this modest deserved the utmost decorum. This also served as a friendly, but reserved greeting. Not too friendly so they felt encouraged to hang out with me all day, but not so cold that they felt rebuffed. In short, the perfect balance.
"Fellows, please. It's nothing to go on about. It's just a one-piece bathing suit with a built-in skirt." I titled my head coquettishly and lowered my eyelashes. But not before I caught the approving nods.
"Sure, there are a lot of one-piece bathing suits with built-in skirts on this beach. But no one is wearing it like you."
We let the sentence hang in the air. After all, what can you say after that? It's hard to improve on the truth.
[Photo Credit: Not me, but this'll do in a pinch.]