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Clare Goes Myopic – Your Bachelorette Recap! (S16, E3)

Margaret Cho was on The Bachelorette last night! This is not a drill – our iconic comedy queen made an appearance on the franchise! Let’s get to it.

Before the joy, we must deal with the misogyny. How else would we know that we were watching ABC? The show kicks off with the total asshole that is Yosef. Yosef is angry. Yosef is deeply offended. About what? The distasteful, disgraceful, “nude” dodgeball game, of course! He is the father of a daughter, you see. A daughter who is apparently so fragile that she cannot see men playing sports in swimsuits on national television. What would she think? What thoughts would his family form about him? This is code red! Save the child!

It should also be noted: Yosef was not on this date and did not participate in said activity. You read that correctly. Yosef is angry about something HE DIDN’T EVEN TAKE PART IN. What in the what?

Yosef cannot hold it in any longer. He’s lost all respect for Clare and must tell her immediately! What else are you going to do when trapped at a resort? Offend the host, naturally. Yosef is eager to “wash his hands of this atrocity.” That is one thing we have in common, for I too am anxious to wash my hands of an atrocity and that’s why I’ve already voted! Woot! Make a plan and VOTE as early as your state allows! (PS – no more ballots in the mail. It’s time to deliver them directly to your voting headquarters if you want to be counted in this election. Tell everyone!)

Yosef pulls Clare aside, his jawing pulsing with anger. He proceeds to warn Clare that he is going to say everything he wants to say, and that she’d better sit there and silently take it. All of it. Do not interrupt the man intent on insulting and berating you! Got it? At one point Clare expresses sympathy that he’s missing his daughter and reveals that her mom is dying. Yosef’s response? “Let me finish.” Bitch, you did not. I almost leapt through the screen. (Btw, weird that her mother's impending passing is never addressed again during this episode?)

I’ll be honest. I don’t like Clare. She’s grated on me during every season she’s been on within the franchise, and I was disappointed when she was chosen as the Bachelorette. That said – this guy is a real piece of shit and seeing someone verbally abused is not entertaining. It’s painful, triggering, and enraging. Fun it is not. No one deserves to be treated this way and I’m honestly sick of the producers including these moments.

Clare, rightfully, stands up for herself and tells Yosef to leave, immediately. Of course, he can’t handle it, stalking off and hurling insults over his shoulder, including the much-toted “oldest bachelorette” clip they’ve been teasing all season. Wonderful! I’m sure your DAUGHTER must be SUPER PROUD watching you hurl insults AT A WOMAN. Way to go! You sure showed her how to be a role model. Awesome parenting, dude. Also, congrats on being a hypocrite.

Anyway, we’ve wasted enough space on this garbage human, so on with the show!

Clare is, not surprisingly, shook up and cancels the cocktail party to regroup. At least it’s not being derailed by Dale for once. Nope – that will be the rest of the episode! For now, those receiving roses are:

Dale (with the first rose – she’s not even trying to hide it!), Zach C (sounds like “sexy” when you say it fast), Demar, Brandon, Joe, Jay, Riley, Bennett, Eazy, Ben, Ed, Ivan, and Kenny. Final rose of the night goes to Zach J. And I think 3 or 4 others had roses from the previous episode? Chasen did, for sure. Three men are released from this hot hell. I did not write down their names.

There is a Group Date card! It reads, “Today, we separate the men from the boys,” and it’s for: Jason, Jay, Eazy, Jason, Blake, Ed, Riley, and Dale. But first there is a visit from former Bachelorette lead DeAnna Pappas because Clare needs advice! They talk about Dale and Clare makes DeAnna sniff a pair of Dale’s slacks. Yes, that’s what I want to do in the middle of a pandemic – smell the crotch of a stranger’s pants. That’s where the antibodies hide! DeAnna declares he “smells great.” I hope she got paid.

Apparently, this crotch-sniffing exercise takes up quite a bit of time because Clare ends up cancelling the group date after forcing the men to sit around all afternoon. Super thoughtful. But what else can one do when confronted with pheromone-laden slacks? She’s only human!

Instead of a group date, Clare claims they’ll be rewarded with a longer cocktail party so she can get to know them better. And by “get to know them better” she means still leaving the guys to sort it out alone while she and Dale scurry off to dry hump in her suite. This sounds like a date I had in high school! (Spoiler alert: I was one of the people left waiting on the couch.)

Clare and Dale almost do it. The rest of the cast twiddle their thumbs and grouse to one another. Finally, someone braves the suite and drags Clare and Dale out of her room. Clare gives the Date Rose to Dale and flounces off. Amazing. Did she steal all of the balls from last week’s nude gym class? The flagrant disregard for anyone who is not Dale is stunning. Honestly, for someone as sensitive as Clare, who’s been rejected multiple times, over multiple platforms of this show, I’m kinda shocked she’s acting like this. If anyone knows how crappy this experience can make someone feel, you'd think it would be her! The peen swoon is strong with this one.

And now for a totally doomed 1:1 date with Zach J! Zach is eagerly prepping for his time with Clare, claiming it’s “like getting ready for Christmas Day.” So… showering and then getting back in your pj’s to drink mimosas? I’m in!

Their big date involves walking across the courtyard to the spa and then going swimming. Zach is head over heels. Clare couldn’t care less. For some reason she goes in for a poolside kiss and then decides to pull back mid-smooch. Zach isn’t done yet and grabs her by the neck, twice! Yikes. Again, not a Clare fan. But also, not a fan of these creepy moves! Not okay – never okay! Clare leaves to go cry in her suite, sending Papa Chris to cancel the rest of her date with Zach. Needless to say, Zach gets sent home. Review and adjust your future behavior accordingly, sir!

[Looks sweet here - was not sweet in actuality.]

Now it’s time for our Queen! Yes, the iconic comedian Margaret Cho has joined the episode to help roast the men. Appropriate! Also, I’m thrilled to see her, but she’s way too good for this. She looks gorgeous; she's hilarious, Twitter is swooning. She slays.

The men are relieved – finally, a Dale-free date! JK! It turns out a roast needs an audience. And since we’re in the middle of an international death spiral, that audience will be… the rest of the men who aren’t on this date, which includes Dale! Harvard hottie Clark Kent (aka Bennett, who Margaret correctly identifies as the future subject of a true crime podcast) ain’t having it and mercilessly burns Dale. It’s pretty fucking rad… and surely penned by Cho. Everyone bow down.

Finally, it’s time for a Dale-free cocktail party! Haha – psych. Dale isn’t there physically, but he’s in every molecule of Clare’s being. There is not one conversation to be had that isn’t about Dale. Oh, it’s not for lack of trying! The suitors struggle valiantly to get Clare to talk about something, anything, that isn’t her green-eyed horndog. But, like a ship on course to crash with the rocks, there’s no steering this “party” away from disaster. It’s truly embarrassing.

But, wait – there’s more! Just when you thought Clare couldn’t top her 7th grade dating game, she pouts and refuses to hand out a Date Rose because she "didn’t get what she wanted" from the men! Girl. No words. Such poor form. Clare zips away with an intern, claiming she “can’t believe they dissed on my fiancé like that.” Umm… hello?! I missed the part where they got engaged and I assume Dale did too.

Next week: The red flag parade continues. Clare weeps. The men sigh. Dale puffs his chest. Bags are packed! And then, like a goddess, Tayshia rises from the pool in a red bikini – hopefully to save the day, and this dumpster fire of a season. Stay tuned!

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