Shame on the House of Timberlake - it's time for another Celebricate!
- Jun 19, 2024
- 4 min read
Celebricate: Celebrating Celebrities & the messes they make!
(Newsletter for the week of 6-19-24)
Well, well, well, if it isn’t karma dropping in to say hello! Yes, my arch nemesis, Justin Timberlake, has been arrested for a DUI and it’s like he arranged it just for me so I could have a sweet start to my summer. This newsletter installment is quick and dirty. Let’s get into it!
As mentioned, Justin Timberlake, he of NSYNC/jumping on his wife’s head in a wedding photo fame, was arrested for drunk driving in Sag Harbor the other night after leaving a swanky dinner “with friends.” Though he claimed to have had “one martini,” the police felt otherwise, citing glassy eyes, slowed speech, and failure of numerous field sobriety tests as reason to bring him into the station. Oh, that and he also failed to stop at a stop sign and was driving on the wrong side of the road – so, yeah, it’s pretty safe to say that he was (allegedly) drunk! If a picture is worth a thousand words, this only needs one: SAUCED.
The kicker? The arresting officer was too young to know who Timberlake was! Oh, chef’s kiss, karma. You little minx! But wait – there’s more: While he was getting handcuffed, Justin reportedly muttered under his breath, “This is going to ruin the tour,” and the officer asked, “What tour?” To which Justin replied, “The world tour.*” LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. I’m sorry, just put a closed sign on my office door. I will be busy LOLing the rest of the day. Thanks. This is how you say, “Don’t you know who I am?” without actually saying it. Dead. Dying. Perfection. (*I don’t know why, but I’m picturing him saying this in Batman/Will Arnett voice. The gravity of the situation deserves nothing less. Not the world tour!)
Timberlake was held for 9 hours before posting bail. (I picture Jessica looking at who was calling and was like, “Meh. I’ll get to this later.”) Will anything happen to him? Probably not. But drunk driving is disgusting, he is a menace, and I will celebrate his few hours of shame. It’s the least we can do for Britney Spears and Janet Jackson. (Seriously, bro – drunk driving?! There’s never an excuse for it. But when you’re a multimillionaire with access to unlimited funds, drivers, and/or renting a luxury hotel room in which to sleep off your "one martini" buzz? Beyond irresponsible. If I cared to go to your tour, I would spend the 2 hours booing you.) Watch this space for any other Justin-getting-comeuppance news!
In Bennifer land… sadly, it ain’t looking good y’all. It appears that the formerly robust union of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck is in need of a love infusion. Ben hasn’t been living at the massive compound they spent 2 years shopping for (and spent $60 million on!) and they’ve only been spotted in public together a mere handful of times since spring. Needless to say, that spells trouble for the pap-happy couple. JLo loooves pics for her On the JLo newsletter and Affleck elevated the pap stroll to an art form during the pandemic lockdown, with his Dunkin Donuts coffee in one hand, dog leash in the other. For them to go even a minimal stretch of time without some kind of sighting has the divorce rumor mill in overdrive.
A surprise advocate of keeping their union intact? None other than Ben’s ex-wife, Jennifer Garner! Jen has allegedly been in talks with Affleck to stay married to Jen #2, with the theory being that Garner is down with the devil she knows. (Ben famously goes off the rails when he’s single, as he’s more likely to give into his gambling and alcohol vices. Jen’s reasoning is that it’s best he stay with J.Lo – the ghost in Garner/Affleck marriage – than to let him loose on Raya with randoms who don’t hold sway over his bad habits.)
I am legit sad about this. I mean, sure – no one thought it was actually going to last. But everyone loves a second chance, and it was fun to see these two reignite their fiery chemistry. Alas, the trip down memory lane is looking to be a short one…
Things that are delighting me:
Fun binges: It’s time for sunshine, but we still can pop a squat in front of the telly on occasion! When you need to sit in front of the fan, I recommend: the most recent season of Bravo’s Summer House (see, we got summer in there!) – it’s a satisfying blend of juicy and silly, spiked with plenty of drama. Plus, Paige’s effortless poolside couture! A must-see. (I jumped right in. There are many seasons, but it doesn’t take a lot of runway to understand the dynamics of this group.) Also, Netflix’s My Life with the Walter Boys. It’s extremely wholesome, but a great teenage love triangle. Very Cain & Abel/East of Eden, without the pesky religion or brothel undertones. Just cowboy hats, stolen kisses, and a rivalry for who can best wear a tank top. The perfect hot weather lane!
I’m working on a Shark Week post for you guys – ranking the best summer shark movies, just in time for late night viewing under the stars. Or in a pool, if you’re feeling brave! (The way I was convinced Jaws could find me in my bathtub when I was little cannot be understated.) Stay tuned!
Sorry, this was all too brief - I’m under a time crunch, but obviously needed to deliver the Timberlake news. As always, thanks for reading! And please share if this made you smile. Until next time! xo
Meanwhile, I'm wishing you the confidence of: this vintage gem of Bradley Cooper reading Lolita to Suki Waterhouse in Central Park. An A+ troll. No notes.
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