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More Cowbell, an Affleck 5-Alarm Fire, & a Biel Bob: it's time for Celebricate!

Celebricate: Celebrating Celebrities & the messes they make!

(Newsletter for the week of 5-27-24)

Hello, and welcome to the end of May! I don’t know about you, but I’m counting the days to attending as many street fairs as possible with my sister-in-law and my niece. And movies outside! How many times will I attempt to attend the drive-in this summer? Yet untold!


I’m also looking forward to writing this newsletter. Of course! Have I mentioned how this works? My goal is for you to enjoy this twice a month. (With plans to increase the frequency in the future!) In the meantime, we can let the fun tidbits build up. Never fear, there’s always a lot to talk about. Speaking of: this week’s offering is especially jampacked. So why wait? Let’s get into it!


If you have not seen the footage of Bradley Cooper dancing with his “girlfriend,” supermodel Gigi Hadid, at a recent Taylor Swift concert, what are you even doing with your life? It is the kind of laugh you didn’t even know you needed. Bradley Cooper – he can do a lot of things. Dancing next to Gigi Hadid is not one of them. Bradley also hit the stage with Pearl Jam this weekend, wielding a tambouri – further cementing the 20-year age gap between the two. It is a wasted opportunity if his next public performance does not feature a cowbell.

Madame Web is now on Netflix! Do not sleep on this - it’s your next cult classic must-see. Trust me.


Speaking of films: I must issue a correction! In the last newsletter, I stated that Gene Pope was the director of Queen of Knives – he is not. What he is: the lead actor, producer, co-writer, as well as creator of the King of Knives universe. (You can see where I got the boss energy from.) The director is the very talented Jon Delgado. I apologize for the error. But the real error is if you haven’t seen these fabulous films. Check out my reviews – here and here – and then get to streaming!    


Sometimes you have to wake up in the middle of the night to google if Maya Rudolph and Paul Thomas Anderson are still together. That’s what happened to me a few weeks ago – 4 am, in the grip of a cold sweat, desperate to know if the world’s cutest people were currently coupled. I was pondering what brought this on and then I realized – Maya’s guest hosting Mother’s Day stint on SNL, which she crushed, of course. But I clocked that she was not wearing a wedding ring, and man – that worked its way into my subconscious and right out into my early morning fear fest. But the joke was on me! Yes, they're still on – they’ve been with one another since 2001 and share 4 children. However, they’ve never wed; hence no ring. And OMG – how cis/heteronormative of me! Why would I assume she needs/wants a diamond? She is Motherfucking Maya Rudolph! This boss bitch does not need jewelry to define her.


In other news, JLo has been spotted without her wedding ring, and despite what we just discussed – THIS IS A FIVE ALARM FIRE IN THE AFFLECK CAMP! Diamonds are Jennifer’s love language: she’s been engaged 6 times (so far), with her recent ring from two-time fiancé and current husband Ben Affleck clocking in at a reported $5 million price tag. Who says love don’t cost a thing? Jennifer has been in a bit of a flop era, with her recent projects receiving less than favorable reviews, as well as sluggish sales for her summer stadium tour. Are the divorce rumors a distraction from the career struggles? Or is Ben about to put himself back on the market? (Raya has missed you, Ben.) Here’s why there might be cause for concern: Eagle-eyed paparazzi caught Ben staying at a rental home (near his ex, Jennifer Garner) smoking and eating pizza. Sounds like seriously single behavior to me. (Or perhaps he’s got a new roommate in PK? See below.) Stay tuned!


Speaking of PK: Early Celebricate subscribers might remember old “greasy fingers in the hallway” – aka, PK (Paul Kemsley) who was too lazy to go answer the door to greet his on-call marriage counselor, and instead famously chose to stop and eat a slice of pepperoni pizza in the foyer! Well, I’m glad you’re sitting down because it turns out PK and his wife, Dorit (of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills fame), are separated. Shocking, I know! Of course, the real question is: who will get custody of the pizza stone? Perhaps will see it get parsed out on the upcoming season of RHOBH. Sources say that Bravo boss Andy Cohen gave Dorit an ultimatum to either divulge the dirty deets of her split, or find a new job. Minutes later, a waffling Dorit renewed her contract and the looming divorce was announced. Dominos must be weeping.


I mean, you’re here. I’m here. Here's one more! Are Jessica Biel and my mortal enemy Justin Timberlake headed for a separation as well? Listen – I didn’t set out for this to be an update about martial statuses, but it’s not my fault that Biel just got a bob! Jessica, known for her luxurious locks (amongst a few other things, lol) recently got a no-nonsense cut. The sudden shear has put the rumor mill into overdrive, as the new ‘do is akin to breakup bangs. The (non)evidence is irrefutable! Perhaps she’ll hire Baroness Fiona Shackleton of Belgravia to represent her interests?

Have you seen the horny new Anne Hathaway film? It’s called The Idea of You. (Adapted from the Robinne Lee book by the same name. Click here to read about how Robinne and the movie's producer, Gabrielle Union, aim to inspire Black female authors! ) and here’s what it is: hot and heavy. Here’s what it’s not: a rom com! The potential is there – single mother takes teenage daughter to boy band concert. Boy bander falls for… the mother! What? No way! It definitley delivers the romance, but less so on the comedy front, despite being marketed as such. Or maybe I’m just griping, as that’s my pet peeve to be presented with one genre and then have it veer off into another mood. If I've ordered a comedy, deliver me a comedy! If I want a languid semi-drama, I will let you know. That said, if you want to see Anne Hathaway looking hot as hell – because when do we not want that? – check out this film.



Things that are delighting me:


·  My husband’s Substack! Yep, Larry Crane is Substacking too and it’s such a treat! He’s writing about the history of Jackpot! Recording Studio, Elliott Smith, the many bands and artists he’s worked with, gear, and much more. Needless to say, I can’t recommend it enough. Subscribe today!


·  Geraldine De Ruiter’s new book, If You Can’t Take the Heat: Tales of Food, Feminism, and Fury. Immediately engaging! I adore her earlier work (first book, All Over the Place, and her blog, The Everywhereist) and I’ve been so excited to get my hands on this. Worth the wait!


·  It’s coming up on a year since I got to see Tears for Fears in concert, and I still can’t stop thinking about it. Their latest album, The Tipping Point (released in 2022) will absolutely blow your mind. Put it on, and pray they tour again soon!


·  Keia & Martyn’s Coffee – holy hell, these roasters are beyond talented. I go to sleep counting the minutes until I can get up and drink their brew. Black female owned and Portland-based, this is an incredible business to support! Subscriptions and delivery services available – sign up today. (Yes, they are friends of ours. But this is not spon-con; it’s a legit love of mine that I want to pass on to others!)



Meanwhile, I'm wishing you the confidence of: Beyonce eating spaghetti on a private jet. This isn't just a lane, it's the whole Autobahn! Keep living bold, Bey!


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