J.Lo is trying to get into the Newsletter game and I’m here to tell her, “Shut it down!” Don’t you know there’s a Jenna Zine newsletter that comes out twice a month, whether you want it or not? OMG, please stay in your lane J.Lo.
But, seriously, she’s Jennifer Lopez – she does whatever she wants! Thusly, I do recommend signing for her latest project, “On The J.Lo” (thank you, marketing team for not wasting that opportunity), because it is PURE GOLD. So far subscribers have been treated to a close up of her latest engagement ring (one of 6, or maybe 7 – I’ve lost count). Her fiancé, Ben Affleck (for those somehow not in the know), chose a “rare green diamond” for the second run at the altar. (The two were famously engaged way back in 2002 before Ben broke things off in 2004 due to “excessive media attention.” Cough cough.) And I’ve got to say – my god, that ring is ugly. It’s a shame they can’t reuse the pink diamond Affleck picked out the first time because it’s way prettier. But here we are with the green bling and I find it to be blah. She’s a decent enough actress, so I imagine she has the chops to feign delight, but I bet she takes that pink diamond out of the vault and swans around her bedroom with it on every chance she gets.
The other “On The J.Lo” video treat is her reveal of “How It Went Down,” where she reveals how Ben proposed, which was while she was taking a bubble bath. Ben is no dummy – proposing to Jennifer while she was nude has to be the smartest thing he’s done in a while. However, I still have questions, like: 1. Why wasn’t he in the bath with her? 2. Who drew the bath? 3. Could he not wait until literally any other time? Who wants a marriage proposal in a bathroom, even one as nice as J.Lo’s? That said, I do love that these crazy kids have reunited. Ben’s brand of narcissism kind of terrifies me, but I think Jennifer has enough going on to keep him in line. At least enough to get him all the way down the aisle this time. Stay tuned!
Speaking of weddings, Jack White threw a surprise engagement and nuptials at his fiancé, Olivia Jean, all within the span of about 20 minutes while onstage at one of his recent concerts. Jack proposed during a rendition of the White Stripes “Hotel Yorba” and then brought out Third Man Records co-founder/registered minister Ben Swank to seal the deal moments later. Again, I ask – why do you want to get married still sweaty from a show in front of strangers vs. well, anything else? Still, spring is here, romance is apparently in the air, and anything seems like a good idea after two years of Covid lockdown, so there you go: exchange vows after playing a song you used to perform with your ex-wife and go enjoy the rest of your day. I hope at least craft services was alerted and that there was cake.
You guys – more weddings! Brooklyn Beckham (son of David & Victoria Beckham) got hitched to Nicola Peltz, “daughter of a billionaire.” The Beckhams gifted their son and new daughter-in-law with “matching vintage Jaguars,” but the press release was careful to also note that the uber-wealthy newlyweds “requested donations be made to support Ukrainian people.” That’s… nice.
Yes, Kim Kardashian did wait to go “Red Carpet official” with Pete Davidson until the Hulu debut of the latest Keeping Up with the Kardashians iteration. And no, I will not be watching it. I can’t take anymore. However, I do have some questions for Coca-Cola! Eagle-eyed Reddit fans are claiming that soda giant might have a secret deal with the Kardashian clan for some stealth marketing after Kim&Pete (their portmanteau is apparently “Kete,” but I was really hoping for “Pim”) and Kourtney&Travis (Kravis) have both been spotted with the product in the background of numerous Instagram posts. Coincidence or alleged payday? Let’s just say, nothing surprises me when it comes to this family. If it looks like an ad, and acts like an ad…
It’s not all roses! The ongoing defamation case between Johnny Depp and former wife Amber Heard has heated up the courtroom with nasty accusations on both sides. There are too many twists and turns to list here, but if you’re curious the Instagram account “The Talk of Shame” is keeping track of the daily drama. Who to believe? The additional layer of dealing with actors who both have the ability to prep for any role, regardless of circumstance, leaves the jury with a big decision indeed.
It’s a maybe baby for Britney Spears! The “finally freed” pop star announced that she’s with child, but internet sleuths remain skeptical (may I recommend going outside and/or reading a book instead of poring over posts?), given that Brit’s stomach is “too flat” for how far along she claims to be. I really feel like this is where we can all step off and take Spears’ word for it – I think she would know. Congrats, Britney!
Megan Fox iced out fiancé Machine Gun Kelly at a recent red carpet, sparking rumors that the two might be headed for a split. I mean, can you blame her? There’s only so many times you can feign interest in a Hot Topic wardrobe. But don’t fear – she soon clarified that all is well, and that they “still drink small drops of each other’s blood for ritual purposes.” That certainly clears things up. Color me relieved!
In real splits, Olivia Wilde was served with custody papers while onstage at a recent CinemaCon event as she was presenting her second directorial debut to industry insiders. Wilde, who shares two children with Jason Sudeikis, split with the actor in favor of spending time with “Watermelon Sugar” singer Harry Styles. Though Sudeikis and Wilde never wed, the former couple have been pleasantly sharing parenting duties – though this stunt might put a wrench in things. Jason is said not to have known that’s how papers were going to be delivered. But here’s a shout-out to the crafty process server for going above and beyond for their job, I guess!
Can we all pitch in on a Victoria’s Secret gift card for Madison Cawthorn and some truth serum for Marjorie Taylor Greene? Or, better yet, can we all pitch in a vote them out of their respective offices? That would be great! Oh, wait – I forgot. We all need to save up to buy Twitter back from Elon Musk! Shit. I’ll brb – gotta go check my bank account. Until next time, my peeps. xo