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My 100% True, Totally Embarrassing Jessica Biel Story

Years ago, I was visiting NYC and elected to take a Sex & The City bus tour. Yes, it is one of the most touristy things you can do in the Big Apple. And you know what? I would do it again, one hundred percent, without shame. It was freaking fabulous! We got cupcakes from Magnolia, had Cosmopolitans lined up and waiting for us at Scout (aka “Steve & Aidan’s bar”), saw where Carrie and Big had their engagement party from the first movie, and much more. I could rave about it all day.

Anyway, we gathered outside of Scout (aka O’Nieals Grand Street Bar, located at 174 Grand Street in New York’s SoHo area) when our tour guide grabbed my arm and whispered, “Oh, my god; that’s Jessica Biel!” And, indeed, there she was, in all of her perfect glory, strolling by. And, yes – she did pick up her pace when 20 women turned to stare at her!

I was thrilled. A real New York City celebrity sighting! I, of course, whipped out my phone to Tweet about it, saying, “Just saw Jessica Biel crying on the street in NYC. Was she weeping about Justin? Stay tuned!”

No, there were no tears from Jessica. Why did I write that? Perhaps, I was projecting. If I had to be married to Justin Timberlake, I’d be sobbing on the daily. At any rate, I thought it was funny at the time. I sent the Tweet and didn’t think anything about it. Until…

I received a DM from Us Weekly! And not from an intern. From the head editor. “We saw your Tweet about Jessica Biel and we’d love to include it in our upcoming issue. We’d be happy to include your name, website, and anything else you’d like to promote.” Um, holy shit. I was running my own tiny gossip site, Pantyline Press, at that time and Us Weekly was my bible. To get JZ and PLP mentioned in a glossy magazine that was at the checkout stand of every major grocery store in America?! WTF, you guys. NYC had rubbed off on me, and all of my “small town girl conquers publishing/marketing industry in New York” were about to come true.

Except. Except I had an attack of the guilts. I was lying. Did I want to make it into Us Weekly as a liar? I paused before responding and thought to myself, “This is the moment where you decide who you are.” And then I told the editor of motherfucking Us Weekly that it wasn’t true. Instead, I confessed that Jessica looked beautiful and that she seemed in fine spirits.

Oh, but friends – I was not done humiliating myself! Since I (mistakenly) believed I had the ear of the editor, I dropped her another line to let her know that I traveled to NYC and L.A. regularly. Not only that, I’d recently spotted Mickey Rourke in Soho! (On the same SATC tour. What a bargain!) Surely this qualified me to be a roving reporter for her? I mean, it was a pretty hot offer.

Of course, I didn’t hear back from her. Because why would I? But I learned a lesson. How to carry myself with grace and pride in this world. And that’s worth everything.

Just kidding! I still kick myself to this day. OMG, YOU GUYS – WHY DIDN’T I LIE?! What in the hell was wrong with me? MY NAME IN US WEEKLY! Who gives a fuck about Jessica Biel? She’s fine! And holy shit. Mickey Rourke? THAT was the card I played? Good lord, I can still feel the cringe to this day.

Meanwhile, Us Weekly has changed hands. The super cool editor is gone, and it's since become conservative hellhole that’s published Ivkana Trump on the cover. Now I’m glad my name is not associated with this trash. Every once in a while, I still receive “renew your subscription” letters. To which I always reply, “LOLZ, NO.” And I take the time to send it back in order to use up their postage because, rest assured, your girl has time for petty.

Ultimately, both Jessica and I win, and that’s the full circle of this nonsense. I hope you’ve enjoyed this roller coaster ride!

(Don’t worry – I still have many more humiliating celebrity run-ins to share. Until next time! xo)

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