It’s Tayshia’s season now and she is owning it! I am so, so excited. Finally, something worth watching. Let’s get to it!
We’re kicking it off with a group date, featuring: Montel, Ivan, Demar, Ben, Chasen, Ed, Joe, and Bennett. We get a takeaway with Joe, the anesthesiologist from New York, and now I want everything to feature Joe! He’s adorable. Where has he been hiding? He’s on my radar now.
The date comes with a challenge. The challenge is “Grown Ass Man vs. Man Child,” and this might be my new favorite thing in life. Stop everything, because the franchise has finally found its groove. And, yay – we have special guests! Stopping by to risk everything for five more minutes of fame are newlyweds Ashley (Tears No More) Iaconetti and Jared Haibon to help Tayshia decide who’s an adult and who needs a timeout. (Jared & Ashley look adorable, and I actually am glad to see them. Please let these two stay together forever.)
Bennett, as we know, is very smart. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but BENNETT WENT TO HARVARD. So, yeah – pretty freaking smart. Except in this challenge, in which he fails every simple math problem, as well as the proper spelling of “limousine.” The men shame him, and it’s very enjoyable. Gotta get our kicks somewhere while stuck at home!
There are a bunch of requisite ridiculous games with this “date,” including snatching a bouquet and bringing Tayshia breakfast in bed. Though our Bachelorette is totally not into it, Bennett is allowed to redeem himself with his smoothie/pastry/robe-clad brunch offering and is awarded the Grown Ass Man title, with the losing boy being Ed. Ed is forced to carry a baby for the rest of the day, naming him Carlos. There seems to be no reason Ed lost, other than his perpetual hangdog look. Maybe his new son will help him locate his self-esteem!
The evening portion of the gathering finds Ed and Chasen arguing. And arguing. And arguing. (A reminder that Bennett is helping stir this pot, but he’s taking none of the hits. He is officially the Lisa Vanderpump/Dorinda Medley of the season!) It kicks off with Bennett and Ed trashing Chasen’s character. They say he’s not same person on camera as off (who is?) and that he’s playing games with Tayshia, also claiming Chasen is “a phony and a fraud.” They offer no evidence. We’ll see…
Bennett tries to grab Tayshia first but gets shut down. Ouch! (He is still wearing his robe from this morning, so one can’t blame Tayshia for being a little less than excited.) It’s Chasen that gets the honor of Tayshia’s time and ooooh, does that fan the flames of Ed & Bennett’s ire. Chasen reveals he’s about to be an uncle and that he’s “all about family.” Tayshia eats it up.
Next up is Ben. He’s another sleeper that’s coming into focus. Taller, hotter than I thought. Tayshia agrees. Their chemistry is off the charts and they basically make out the whole time. She claims he’s “trouble.” Hunky trouble!
Ed foolishly offers himself up as the sacrificial lamb by making a classic franchise mistake – going to tattle to the lead about another contestant. Never do this! Let the person figure it out for herself. (Note: this is where Bennett recedes to the shadows while Ed goes to speak his mind.) He tells Tayshia that Chasen is “here for the wrong reasons.” It would not be a season of The Bachelorette if someone didn’t utter these words, so thank you, Ed, for making the cycle complete.
Tayshia confronts Chasen, who seems dumb as a rock, but manages to convince Tayshia that everything is fine. It’s not fine, however, when Chasen returns to the group and stands towering over a seated Ed. Chasen is roiling and it’s a hair’s breadth from getting physical. Like there’s not enough tension in the world!
It doesn’t matter, for the moment. Tayshia returns. It’s Ivan who gets the Date Rose. (Much to Ben’s chagrin.)
Now we’re on to the Cocktail Party. Chasen is still ticked, claiming he’s soon going to release his “inner Wolverine.” I have no rebuttal for that, though I do applaud him for later referring to Bennett and Ed as Batman & Robin. That’s fucking funny!
There are some rapid-fire mini dates, with Ben getting more time (and kisses) while Ed and Chasen continue to beef. It is boring, but there has to be a little drama somewhere. Ed tattles on Chasen again. Tayshia agrees there are red flags, but still wants to make her own decision about him. The most baffling connection during the Cocktail Party is Tayshia’s time with Zac, who she seems to think is pretty cool. Um… okay. Meanwhile, Chasen has declared Tayshia “a smoke show.” I know; I’m embarrassed for him too.
It’s Tayshia’s first Rose Ceremony! Flowers go to: Zac, Riley, Kenny, Ben, Demar, Bennett, Spencer (their connection is already fading), Jordan, Noah, Joe, Blake, Ed, and, of course, Chasen. Can’t let that drama die yet! (Note: Brendan and Ivan already have roses.) Three men go home, released from the cushy resort bubble and back into the Covid wilds. Godspeed, gentlemen!
A new dawn, a new day, and time for Chris Harrison’s arduous two minutes of work. He delivers a Date Card for Eazy, Brendan, Joe, Jordan, Spencer, Ben, Ed, and, of course, Chasen. It reads, “I’m looking for my perfect match.” What could that mean?!
Wrestling, naturally! Because what else should we be doing during a pandemic other than getting oiled up and climbing into a ring with sweaty acquaintances? (CDC UPDATE: don’t do this!)
We’ve got more visitors! Because TV is important and there’s no reason to stay the fuck home! They are WWE and UFC fighters Amy Dumas and Tatiana Suarez, coaching Tayshia, who looks hot as hell. Also, Wells Adams has arrived! He’s adorable, but seriously – what in the hell is he doing here? His fiancé, Sarah Hyland, has a very serious medical history and is extremely high risk so I’m pretty upset that he’d agree to this gig. The judger is judging the judge!
Yes, Wells is here to help Chris Harrison judge the impending wrestling competition. Chris has worked two previous minutes today and is about to up it to five, so he needs a little assistance, you guys.
Time to get in the ring! It’s Eazy vs Joe, Brendan vs Jordan, Spencer vs Ben, and Chasen, of course, vs Ed. But, wait! Ed is no fool. He knows Chasen is dying to beat the shit out of him so suddenly Ed has two bad shoulders that could be dislocated at any moment. For reals! He pulls Chris aside to bring him up to date with this sudden reveal. Harrison can barely contain his irritation – he wanted to see Ed get his ass pummeled – however he has no choice but to release Ed back to the sidelines. Surely Chris will console himself with a mimosa later.
Chasen still needs to fight and it’s Noah and his mustache who leap(s) into action, hopping the fence and stripping off his shirt to wrestle in his jeans. Still, despite Noah’s bravado, it’s Chasen who’s deemed champion of the main event. Personally, I think it’s an illegal hold, but what do I know? (Hint: when it comes to wrestling, virtually nothing!)
It’s now the evening portion of the Group Date, with Chasen declaring himself “the king of Tayshia’s heart.” He attempts a too-late generous gesture, offering to share his wrestling trophy with the group. No one reacts, no one cares.
May I just say that Tayshia looks FREAKING GORGEOUS every minute, of every day? My god. Her style is fire. I can’t even count the ways this woman is a welcome change. I adore her.
Noah pulls Tayshia away first and the men are not amused! After all, Noah blustered his way on to this date, so how dare he continue to benefit from this afternoon? Well, he can’t hear you because he’s off making out with Tayshia, so take that boys. It doesn’t all go smoothly though – for his face, that is. Tayshia would very much like him to shave off his mustache. Like now. Noah is excused to his room to go fetch a razor. Noah is very concerned about unveiling his “baby bald face,” but Tayshia zips the blades over his lip and he emerges… kind of adorable, actually. Wispy success! (Though I might be alone in preferring the mustache. The hipster gimmick works in his favor, IMO.)
It’s time for the Group Date Rose. Ben wants time with Tayshia before she hands out the flower, but she shuts him down. He’s been sitting on his ass and she wants someone more motivated. The rose goes to Noah. That does seem like the fair thing to do, since the remains of his mustache hairs are probably still attached to her silk jumpsuit.
Next week! There will be music. Bennett scores a smooch. Someone plays Twister, while an eternal franchise favorite, the hot tub, makes an appearance. The bad energy might be shifting from Chasen to Noah? Either way, Tayshia’s not having it! Until then, Rose Peeps!
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