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The Moustache, The Men, & One Big Ass Limo – Your Bachelorette Recap! (S16, E5)

Hello, and welcome to a (nearly) Clare-less episode of The Bachelorette! Yes, it is finally time to embrace what we’ve all be waiting for – the arrival of the gorgeous, gracious Tayshia Adams. Let’s get to it!

We are reminded that Clare left with Dale, while Chris asks the men a very important question: Will they be able to get over a woman they barely knew, who ignored them in order to bed a man she barely knows? Most of the guys are on board with a resounding yes!

Tayshia enters and the contestants gasp – as they should. She is utterly charming, saying she knows the men have been through a lot, but she hopes they’re not closed off to a new opportunity. She is a warm light and the show is already heading in a better direction. I’m here for it!

The difference is immediate and striking. She’s actually taking time to speak with multiple people and, 5 episodes in, the viewer is also getting the chance to know the men as well. As much as the guys have been cheated, so has Bachelor Nation! It’s refreshing to see other people who are not Dale.

But wait… what’s this? Chris Harrison has arrived to pull Tayshia away from her suitors in order to give her more choices. Nope, we’re not stopping at Clare’s leftovers! Chris takes Tayshia out to the driveway for her very own arrival of dudes. We meet: Spencer (they have an immediate jolt of chemistry), Montel (cute), Peter (cute), and Noah (who has a wispy hipster moustache and is super cheesy). Cue the jealously, as the initial crew notes the arrival of “a big ass limo, full of men.” Well, not that full. We’ve added four new people, bringing Tayshia’s group from 16 back up to 20. But pandemic is gonna pandemic, so let’s hold here.

One of the OG men notes there is a “stanky ass vibe” in the room because of the “sense of pride” from the guys who’ve already been ensconced at the La Quinta. I’m not sure “stanky ass” and “pride” exactly go together, but I see where he’s headed with this. I think the stank he’s smelling is testosterone, as competition starts to boil. That, and being stuck in a room in the August SoCal heat. Not for the faint of heart!

Naturally, Spencer is the first to swoop in and take Tayshia away. The men squawk in shock. But really, it’s the same thing every show. Someone has to make the first move, so here we are. The jolt of chemistry doesn’t lie: Tayshia and Spencer hit it off, sealing it with a kiss. Meanwhile, the men note the importance of the First Impression Rose. After all, Clare’s went to Dale and now they’re “off on their honeymoon.” (I.e. their pandemic bubble at Clare’s abode. Tres chic! Also, rumor has it they might've already split? Color me not surprised! I have yet to Google if this is true because I do not care.)

Needless to say, the First Impression Rose indeed goes to Spencer. But not all is lost! Tayshia cancels her first Rose Ceremony so she can get to know the men better. Seems fair, since she just arrived 5 minutes ago.

Chris Harrison interrupts the broadcast for some VERY IMPORTANT NEWS. He’s got Clare and Dale coming on so he can get to the bottom of their love story. Did they have contact beforehand? According to Harrison it’s the question that’s “burning up social media, and the talk shows.” It is not. We have all moved on (and so should Trump). Literally, no one cares. Old news. I fast-forwarded this portion because, as I’ve mentioned, my investment in Clare has ended. Very poor return. Zero stars on Yelp! Done and done.

Back to Tayshia! It’s time for the first Date Card. It reads, “Here’s to a second shot at love,” and it’s for: Blake, Riley, Zac, Jordan, Noah, Peter, Kenny, Jay, Eazy, and Spencer. The guys will be divided into two teams to play something Chris calls “splash ball.” The competition is fierce, with Riley knocking Spencer in the mouth. There is blood. I don’t care how much cholerine is in that pool. That is just gross and it’s time to get out of the water!

The Blue Team, which includes Spencer, are declared the winners. They will enjoy additional time with Tayshia, as well as a BBQ and an open bar. Winners, indeed! Meanwhile the losing team “walks home.” Home being a few feet away, across the courtyard.

There is a Cocktail Party! Tayshia spends time with Eazy, who is adorable. But it’s Zac she kisses. I'm as surprised as you are. She does a waaaay better job of circulating during the party, and it’s much appreciated. Not everyone is happy though, with the guys accusing Spencer of acting like a dick. I’ve got to say, I agree with this consensus, thus far. I am nervous for Tayshia.

Eazy earns the Date Rose! Tensions continue to grow between Spencer and Riley. Jason is still struggling – he’s not over Clare. (Boy, why?) Ultimately, Jason decides to leave. Personally, I’d ride out the pandemic in this resort bubble, but I am not Jason’s heart. Good luck and godspeed, you weirdo!

Now it’s time for Tayshia’s first 1:1. She chooses Brendan with the card, “Let’s start our journey to fall in love.” Again, I am surprised as you are. Shoulder shrug emoji! According to Brendan, Tayshia is his type, in every way. Congratulations, young man – you have working eyeballs.

Tayshia arrives on horseback, looking hot as hell. The guys are appropriately jealous. She takes off with nerdy, awkward Brendan. The horses take them on a slow stroll around the property, with Chris Harrison interrupting every few minutes to bring them treats. It’s actually kind of funny, even though Brendan is annoyed. He wants to kiss Tayshia, preferably without CH hovering nearby! He finally gets his chance with they relieve their numb butt-cheeks with a dip in the pool. (It’s actually Tayshia who goes in for the smooch. I am bewildered, but she’s seems into this guy.)

They chat, and more personality emerges from Brendan. He actually seems pretty sweet. Hmmm. Turns out he might be one to keep an eye on! He is nervous to reveal that he’s been married before. Will it turn Tayshia off? No, it won’t because our girl is also a divorcée. It’s like all of the world’s problems are getting solved in one episode. Amazing! Tayshia reveals that she wants 5 kids. Tayshia didn’t run off screaming into the night when Brendan revealed his news – now it’s his turn to stay put. (Although we can see the fear in his eyes. Children are expensive. Are they multi-millionaires? What is going on? What normal person can afford to have 5 children in this day and age? More importantly: should you? Hello, environmental concerns calling!)

Tayshia thinks she “might be with her person,” and sees Brendan as someone she could marry. Okay, then! They kiss while fireworks explode around them. (Um, is anyone else concerned about lighting off fireworks during wildfire season in California? Just me?) The guys are alerted that Tayshia and Brendan are “sharing a moment,” mainly because the moment includes them, given that they’re only about 20 feet away. Bonus: they also get to enjoy the fireworks display! A sparkly "silver" lining.

Next week: What “girl” wants to be called “a smoke show?” (Spoiler alert: all of them.) There will be sweaty boxing matches. Perhaps cool it with the contact sports during the pandemic. Just saying. Someone brings their “inner wolverine” out. Spencer continues to be a jerk, but Noah and his mustache might be vying for the title of villain. Stay tuned!

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