Hello & welcome back!
Summer is officially here and that means it’s time for my favorite season – eavesdropping. Yes, the warm weather brings the opportunity to overhear a myriad of delightful conversations that make up this crazy quilt we call humanity, and I love it.
Here are my current Top Three:
The Scene: Seated outside at the Lucky Llama Café in Carpentaria, CA.
Lady # 1: “So, I had this omelet the other day …” [Dramatic pause] “Okay, I need you to know moving forward: when I say ‘eggs,’ I mean egg whites.”
Lady #2: “Thank god! I was going to ask.”
[Tone: dead serious. I waited for the follow-up laughter to signal that this was a joke. There was none. Which led me to the question I’ve had ever since this moment – How often are these women talking about eggs?! Especially to the point of needing to clarify this? Also, what’s up with the yolk shaming? I can’t imagine have a friendship based on the repeated and detailed discussion of eggs. Let’s just eat our respective brunches without comment and call it a day!]
[Things I learned: these ladies are way, way too serious about eggs.]
2. The Scene: Mt. Tabor Park, walking as two cyclist biked passed me:
Cyclist #1: “So, she served me green beans…”
Cyclist #2: “Dude! Green beans? That’s lit. I fucking love green beans.”
Cyclist #1: “I know. I was relieved it wasn’t mashed potatoes.”
Cyclist #2: “Mashed potatoes?! I would never. Too many carbs. Hey, did I tell you about the club? You gotta go on Tuesdays nights. Not enough guys show up to dance. It’s chicks, wall to wall. I clean up.”
[Things I learned: Green beans are better than mashed potatoes. Those are not in the same craving lane, but I get it! I wish I was a faster walker and/or welcome in that conversation. I would’ve let them know my life hack: mashed cauliflower. So good! Less carbs! You’re welcome. Meanwhile, ladies of Portland going out to dance on Tuesday nights: I hope you have recently stocked up on green beans at your local farmer’s market! You never know when you’ll meet a fit man you’ll want to impress after a night out the cluuuub.]
3. The Scene: Mt. Tabor Park, strolling past a group of senior citizens
Little gray-haired lady to her friends: “Listen, it’s the skate boarders and the Millennials. There I said it!”
[Things I learned: Nothing. But I was amused.]
Speaking of “regular people gossip,” I am absolutely enamored and obsessed with a podcast called “Normal Gossip,” where listeners submit “an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world” and then the host dissects it with a celebrity guest each week. I really can’t do the description justice. Just trust me and know that it’s freaking addictive. It's truly is a must-listen. [A shout-out to my podcast guru, Erin, for the recommendation!]
Now on to the celebs!
* Jennifer Lopez wished second-time-around fiancé Ben Affleck a Happy Father’s Day with a pic of him hard at work on a new script (um - at work, sans children, is the photo she chose to use? Okay). Nothing much to see here, except a glimpse into Ben’s extremely cramped and messy looking office. The big takeaway is the Diet Pepsi soda machine an eagle-eyed Reddit peep spotted in the corner. Not sure why this is a surprise to anyone. Ben will always have one vice or another within reach. Always. If you must take solace, know that you can be a multi-millionaire with the stomach lining of a 7-11 devotee. The One-Percenters – they’re just like us!
* Also, in the J-Lo realm – Jennifer, Ben Affleck, and Ben’s ex-wife, Jennifer Garner, were at a luxury car dealership (is there any other kind?! Lol) when Ben & Jen’s (Garner, that is) 10-year old son got behind the wheel of a “Lambo” and rear-ended a BMW. “Someone” left the car running and that little scamp just couldn’t help himself, apparently. Despite a “heated discussion” between Ben & the manager of the car dealership, it appears that there was “no damage to either vehicle” and everything is “fine.” I don’t know about you, but I’m getting some serious “I had to apologize to Dick Cheney, even though he shot me in the face” vibes from this adorable little run-in…
* Sam & Aaron Taylor Johnson celebrated 10 years of marriage with a vow renewal party and I must send condolences to them for their upcoming divorce. Anyone worth their salt (by salt, I mean Bravo channel devotees) knows that vow renewals are the kiss of death to any union! Vow renewals are anything but romantic. Instead they’re generally the last-ditch effort to breathe a little life into a troubled relationship. (Hey, at least it’s a million times better than a band-aid baby! Honestly, save your money/time/body if you’re considering having a child to “make a relationship better.” Girl, the ship has sailed. It’s getting boarded like Below Deck at Spring Break. Move on.) I’m sure everything is fine between the two, despite their decades of age difference. But I personally would never jinx my marriage with a renewal. I will live with the bad hairdo/red dress combo I chose for my wedding over divorce any day!
* Queen Elizabeth celebrated her Platinum Jubilee and yes, Harry and Meghan did attend (albeit briefly). Who stayed away? It's reported that Harry Styles (the other Harry!) and Adele both turned down lucrative offers to perform at the “Jubee.” Another sign of the Queen’s waning power? Or a fuck you to a woman who spent taxpayer’s dollars to protect Prince Andrew? (You know, the Queen's favorite son, who was accused of rape and happened to be best friends with rapist/pedophile/child sex trafficker, Jeffrey Epstein.) A mystery worthy of Agatha Christie!
* Speaking of a real queen, Beyoncé has blessed us with a new single, just in time for summer. It’s (of course) a tune you can dance to – unless you’re Justin Timberlake! My mortal enemy got dragged for some seriously bad moves when he took the stage at a recent concert, and Twitter was blessedly quick with the memes. Yes, this happened a few weeks ago. And yes, it’s still giving me all the joy. (A new song from Beyoncé and JT’s humiliation in the same week?! I couldn’t have custom-ordered a better combo.)
* Brad Pitt was recently on the cover of GQ and people are aghast at how bad the photo is. Like, entire Reddit threads have been dedicated to, “Who hates Brad Pitt at GQ and what did he do to piss this person off?” bad. Most are asking, “Why does he look like an embalmed corpse?” Well, as vivid as that is, I have a very simple answer: it’s called aging, you guys. And it happens to everyone who’s lucky enough to be alive. Brad Pitt is rolling up on 60 and he’s not going to look like he did in Thelma & Louise. I apologize for the reality check.
My 7-year old niece was telling my husband about a “green parade” her mom puts on tacos that she looooves. My husband realized by “parade,” she meant “puree,” which, of course, we assume is actually guacamole. But now I’m thinking my niece is right. What deserves a green parade more than any iteration of the wonderful, delicious avocado?
Sending love to all. Until next time, my peeps. xo