Well, hello there 2021 – I’ve been waiting for you, you little minx! And to the wonderful readers - thanks for your patience during my short break while we closed out the nightmare known as last year. I've missed you and I'm glad you're back!
Listen, I’m going to start off by saying I hope you all are safe and well, and that you’re taking good care of yourselves. There’s obviously a truly horrific situation that went down this week and I don’t want to leave that unacknowledged. I, like you, am still processing my rage and grief. It hurts me physically to even think about all of this. We’ve been repeatedly traumatized and terrorized by our own “President” and this cannot end soon enough. What happened on January 6th is one of the most shameful and distressing days in the history of the United States and all involved should be prosecuted. I hope he’s impeached (again), and that he and his family are rejected from society and left awash in lawsuits until their dying days. This is the minimum.
That said, I know you don’t come to this site for hard news – you’re here to delight in celebrity naughtiness and be entertained, so let me do that for you!
* Did you say, “Hot hookup?” Because that’s what I heard! Yes, rumor has it that Olivia Wilde and Harry Styles are the latest couple du jour. The two met on the set of the hotly anticipated Don’t Worry, Darling, a psychological thriller, where Olivia is both the director and a costar. Harry joined the cast in November, thankfully replacing alleged abuser Shia LeBeouf. Olivia split from longtime love Jason Sudeikis earlier in 2020 – aka the worst year ever in recent memory of human history. I can’t really count this as “good for gossip,” (as Lainey Gossip would say) because it’s just too damn cute. Both stars are hardworking, well-respected, well liked, and unproblematic. So, I guess it just boils down to two gorgeous, well-adjusted people in love. You know what? I like it. (Meanwhile, Jason is reportedly “heartbroken” at the news, as he was supposedly hoping to reconcile with his ex-fiancée. Not that I blame him! However, I am sure he'll recover. Who should we ship him with? I could see him with Emilia Clarke or Jennifer Aniston…)
* To carry on with our hot hookup theme, Zoe Kravitz has entered the ring (or, more succinctly, thrown one away) after filing for divorce on the eve of Christmas Eve from her husband of eighteen months, Karl Glusman. Why the sudden bounce? Some say it’s due to a fling with Channing Tatum. But wait, there’s more! Also mentioned in the running are her The Batman costar Colin Farrell, as well as director Cary Fukunaga. Of the three, I think Channing Tatum is the misdirect. He’s too basic and goofy for Kravitz. I’m feeling the more complicated Farrell vibes for our high society bon vivant. Meanwhile, it definitely seems like she and Karl are saying their goodbyes. She posted this ode to the Universe on Instagram to kick off the new year, while Glusman has scrubbed his feed of her pics. No need to even file the papers, in celeb speak this is as final as a phone call to Laura Wasser.
* Well, this seems like a lot of work. In pointless scandals, Hillary Thomas, aka Hilaria Baldwin, Alec Baldwin’s wife, has spent years pretending to be of Spanish descent. The yoga beauty claimed the heritage, changing her name and her accent, and even her birthplace on her press handler’s PR page. Hillary says she’s from Mallorca, Spain – in reality she’s from Boston. To her credit, her parents live in Mallorca, but that didn’t come to pass until she was 28. Meanwhile, Hillary has taken great pains to carry the elaborate ruse, most – uh, hilariously – asking “how do you say cucumber?” while appearing on a Today show cooking segment. Look, I get it. I love Paris. Back in the day while on vacation, I was running around Vegas and I told a guy my name was Sabrina and that I lived in the Marais district. And then we laughed because we both knew that was a fucking lie and we wandered off to score free Heinekens at the penny slots. It’s escapist fun to pretend you're someone else… for a minute. What I don’t get is why Hillary felt the need to escape for so long? She’s gorgeous and wealthy. She had a privileged upbringing, and still has legit ties to Spain in the form of visiting her parents. So why the need to make it her whole (false) identity, especially when it’s so easy to prove otherwise? I wish I had a snappy way to wrap this up. As it stands, I’m currently fascinated and baffled that she’s gone to so much trouble. Oh! And if you’re wondering how her notoriously hot-headed hubby is handling it, the answer is, “Not well.” I’ll keep an eye on this one for you!
* During a worldwide pandemic, sometimes you just need to take a load off, ya know? Doing exactly that are Brad Pitt and his buddy, Flea (Red Hot Chili Peppers’ bassist), currently enjoying a “male bonding” luxury scuba diving getaway. I mean – I haven’t left my house since March, but sure – go to Turks & Caicos if you must. Self-care is important! (Also, I find it funny that people are so shocked that Pitt has ink. You really think he was with Angelina for that long and didn’t get a few tattoos along the way?)
* Hey! Speaking of a terrifying crisis, Whole Foods CEO John Mackey has some great healthcare advice for you: it’s… not to need it. Wow, I hadn’t thought of that! Yep, good old Mackey, running one of the most expensive grocery store chains in America, says people just need to change their lifestyles and diet. And boom! Longer lifespan. I’m sure that logic will go over well in Los Angeles, where they are literally running out of oxygen at hospitals. If only you’d eaten an apple, lazy bones!
* “Bean Dad” swept the internet earlier this week, capturing the nation’s attention before that pesky coup stole the limelight. I know it’s controversial, but I fall on the “he was totally joking” side, choosing to believe he fed his kid. Sometimes a snarky tweet is just a snarky tweet. Also, I’m from the freewheeling 70’s when we were thrown outside with bologna sandwiches on Wonder Bread with access to hot hose water for refreshment, so I wasn’t too traumatized by a child being encouraged to learn how to use a can opener. It’s all about perspective!
* For the millionth time, I’m reading that “Kim and Kanye are getting divorced.” Honestly, fuck them both. Get divorced or not. Just get out of my face.
* Tavi Gevinson is pure fire and I’ll love her until the end of time! Tavi recently (and very publicly) called out Karli Kloss for being a “Resistance Barbie.” I really can’t do this justice – you should read about it here.
* Wrapping up with a very Happy 9th Birthday to Blue Ivy Carter! Check out some of her cutest, most iconic moments courtesy of Bossip. The Carter family brings me so much joy – this is the reign I want!
Alright peeps! We’re still in epic times, so hang in there. Stay safe, wear a mask, be kind – to yourself and others. And come back for more next week, if not sooner! xo