Hello, and welcome back to the depraved world of the rich and famous! And honestly, thank you 1% for keeping it interesting. It would be so tedious to unspool my life safe in the knowledge that everyone paid a fair amount of taxes and had the same access to healthcare. Yuck! Boring! Who needs it? Disparity – that’s where it’s at!
* Of course, the top thing on our minds is this life-changing election! But also, who is Dominic West dicking over this week? You might remember good old Dom was seen flitting around Rome with costar Lily James – with the two making absolutely zero effort to hide their sizzling chemistry. The only problem? West is totally married and after the pics were made public, he hightailed it back to his castle to gaslight his wife into believing all of it was just for show. He had to put his P in another V for research! Leave the man alone – he’s a method actor!
This came as a shock not only to his poor wife (emotionally, not literally – Catherine is rich AF; the castle is hers) but also, apparently, to Lily! While Dominic scored press and a rumored coveted role in an upcoming season of Netflix’s award-winning The Crown (as an older Prince Charles, known for having – yes – affairs!), Lily caught most of the heat for the indiscretion and decided to cancel the majority of her press tour to promote her own prestige Netflix film, Rebecca. (Daphne du Maurier’s novel is so lovely – the perfect winter read, in my opinion.) Of course, the perpetrator should receive the spoils while the ladies get punished. Natch. (I’m not absolving Lily – but she’s not the one who’s married, and we don’t know what Dominic told her about the state of his union.) In short, the patriarchy is fine, so everyone can stop worrying!
* There has been much discussion about the Best and Worst Chris (currently considered: Pine, Evans, Hemsworth, & Pratt), on Twitter as the internet debates whether or not Pratt is a Republican/MAGA supporter. (Gut feeling: yes.) No word from Camp Pratt, but the Avenger crew rushed to rally around their colleague, lest this handsome, rich man’s character become besmirched! I mean… sure. Let’s not hang the kid out to dry because he’s Christian and we’re all operating off of assumptions. But, also, I feel like there are other things to defend right now? Maybe these celebs could give a shout-out to our democracy, which is currently hanging in the balance... In the meantime – got it! Pratt is a nice guy and we should not be mean to him because it might hurt his feelings! Also, we can end this right now. Excise Pratt from the Best Chris competition to make room for O’Dowd. How come no one ever talks about O’Dowd? Official campaign to induct Chris O’Dowd into the Best Chris Hall of Fame starts today. Join me!
* John Mayer had a birthday (he’s a total dog, so I guess this makes him 307 years old. He looks good for his age!), and Diplo wished him happy bday on Instagram with a photo of Halsey on her knees, which Diplo put a pumpkin over her face. Celebrities, they’re just like us! (Also, I need to know more, about all of this. Like, why?)
* In literary news, esteemed author Matthew McConaughey has released his first memoir to great acclaim. It's called Greenlights, in reference to all the green lights Matthew has breezed through in his life. Wait, are you telling me there’s another handsome, rich man who is having an easy time of things?! STOP THE PRESSES: GROUNDBREAKING NEWS IS BEING MADE. Perhaps you’re not catching green lights? Don’t worry if you’re downtrodden, despairing, drowning in your own lungs because our government has failed to contain COVID, or if you’re black and daring to exist in your own body, Matthew’s got you! Because even yellow and red lights have to turn green, eventually. Did you hear that? All you have to do is wait for your light to turn green! Who knew it just came down to timing? Mystery solved. Alright, alright, alright.
* I didn’t think this needed to be said, but apparently it does: if you’re on a Zoom WORK CALL, please hold off on masturbating until you are done with your Zoom WORK CALL. I understand most of us don’t know what day or time it is anymore, but if you’re cognizant enough to be on a Zoom WORK CALL, you’re surely aware enough to be able to delay your sexual gratification until, you know, YOU’RE NOT ON YOUR ZOOM WORK CALL. Be a two-marshmallow person.
* Finally, if these adorable pics of Dwayne Wade accidentally photobombing a marriage proposal don’t make your heart swell with joy, then you are officially dead inside.
* Also, I know you’re hearing it everywhere, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that you should VOTE! Vote as early as your state legally allows! Make a plan, asap. Let’s have something to smile about on Nov. 4th. xo