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Okay, Fine – Maybe Openly Weeping Isn’t the Best Way to Procure a Job

Hello friends! This is an excerpt from my weekly newsletter. Consider signing up and have fresh content delivered to your inbox every Friday! Like this? Pass it on! The more, the merrier. xo

* As regular readers of the newsletter know, it was Larry’s birthday this past weekend! We actually left the house together for a moment and I’ve got to admit, it was pretty thrilling. We had lattes in the rain on a patio where there’s a “30-minute limit so everyone can have an opportunity to enjoy the space.” It’s not like I haven’t had an oat milk latte during this pandemic. I have! In my own home – usually in front of the fireplace while playing Scrabble. But I haven’t had one that I paid for where there’s a timer going. Now that is excitement!

While we were out, we did hit up another patio space. This time we were seated near a family with a baby who (naturally) was freaking adorable. Larry and I were making silly faces and playing peek-a-boo as the baby gurgled happily. At one point, the infant’s mother turned around and said, “Oh, I’m sorry! I hope our baby isn’t bothering you.” And I said, “No! No. I love your baby. Your baby is great. I haven’t seen a baby in 14 months, and your baby is perfect.” And then I started crying.

I don’t think I was fully prepared to be out in public yet (um, in case you didn’t guess), and the weight of the realization that I hadn’t seen a baby in over a year hit me like a ton of bricks. (Okay, not totally accurate. I watched as a woman who regularly walks by our house went from pregnant, to baby, to papoose, to stroller during this past year. But that baby is a known quantity in my life. This was fresh surprise baby!)

Listen, I know myself pretty well and I was prepared. Though I worked hard during this time to make sure I’ve been keeping myself mentally and physically fit, I realized some waves of emotion (milk was a bad choice! - thank you, Anchorman) might get through and I made sure to wear waterproof mascara. I love Alice Cooper, but my style icon he is not.

So, I started weeping – just a little bit, nothing weird! – and started fantasizing about babysitting this little guy. These people looked like busy professionals. Surely, they could use some help. And I’m a trustworthy lady! I mean, yes – I have been known to gently finger a Scrabble tile or two when my hand is in the opaque drawing bag. On occasion! Just to make sure that perhaps I’m not drawing my fifth “I” in a row. Karma often rights it. I think it’s a “T” and it’s often an “I” anyway. It works itself out. I also volunteer to deliver hot meals to Holocaust survivors, so maybe the two deeds even each other out. Also, I had to pass a deep background check to get to do that, so I think I’m in the clear to look after this kid!

While I was mulling over how to make this wholly appropriate offer to these strangers – while also keeping my tears under control (See?! Multitasking), the family packed up and left. I am absolutely sure it was a coincidence!

What will happen when I next venture out? Who’s to say, but rest assured I will be wearing my Neutrogena Healthy Volume Lash-Plumping Waterproof Volumizing & Conditioning Mascara with Olive Oil (smudge & flake-free!) in Black just in case.


* In other news, we still have Field of Dreams to look forward to. Yep, we went a whole weekend without a Kevin Costner movie. I’m not inferring that Larry specifically requested that for his birthday. But the fact that it lined up that way? Well, let’s just say he was not sad about it. As you read this, the DVD is in our home – on generous loan from the library, and is not due for another 17 days. Friends – it’s happening. If I borrow it, he will watch! (I couldn't resist. I also recently told Larry I "was on the highway to the 'layer' zone" when I put on a sweater recently and he didn't file for divorce. If that didn't break him, nothing will!) So, our self-imposed Costner Film Festival of Two continues on Saturday! I will, of course, report back.


* Nope. Don’t even ask about Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. Remember, we can’t jinx this. But – for fun – the briefest of updates: Ben flew across the country to see J.Lo while she was working on a project. A crafty paparazzi snapped a pic of Ben smoking a cigarette on Jenny’s balcony. Jennifer later emerged from her hotel with tousled hair. However, their reps continue to insist they’re taking it slow. THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE HERE. THEY ARE JUST FRIENDS. Rest assured, I will continue to monitor this situation with all the gravity it deserves.

I hope you enjoyed your weekly update! And I hope you are staying safe and well. Be sure to be kind to yourself and others. You are worth it! Make plans to come back next week - I love having you here.


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