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The 2024 Oscars Roundup

It’s no secret that this telecast is in desperate need of revamping – it’s musty as hell. Jimmy Kimmel came back as the host and… he did okay. (I don’t really watch late night television – like, which rich middle-aged man do I chose from? I don’t care! But Kimmel definitely has enough charm and confidence to pull it off.) He’s comfortable in the realm of celebrity, entering as an equal vs. the out-of-his-depth nightmare that was Jo Koy at the Golden Globes. That said, Jimmy’s round of jokes seemed especially lazy this year. (If you’re not invested, how can you expect the audience to stick around? A dick joke at the expense of Robert Downey Jr.? I’m all for edgy – in fact, yes please. But the, “Do you have a square penis or is that an acceptance speech in your pocket” was beyond cringe.) The gig is a notoriously difficult – with few benefits for the actual host – but, that said, can we please entice John Mulaney and Kate McKinnon to pair up for the challenge? Let’s freshen this place up with my dream comedy Frebreeze duo.

The fashion! I have no idea what is even on the E! channel anymore, but it’s still my go-to for Red Carpet coverage. Laverne Cox was flawless as the host, and I appreciate that E! sacrifices two reporters to a bird’s eye view of the street to catch the stars as they arrive. I need every second of those outfits, including famous people disembarking from limos!


Of note: the colors were very “Mermaid core,” with pastels taking the lead. Most notably on Emma Stone, who arrived in a mint/seafoam green gown with a peplum. I am violently opposed to peplums and will not be participating in this trend. I mean, I shop at Shein, so I have no business commenting on fashion. However, I’m still compelled to ask, “But why?!” Karma might be on my side – Stone approached the stage with a broken zipper and had to hold the back of her dress as she made her (exceedingly teary) acceptance speech. I personally was shocked at how absolutely boring her dress was. You’re favored to win, and that’s the look you want to remember for the rest of your life? I guess the answer is yes, because that is what happened – but I would personally like a word with her stylist.


The viral vibes were few, with the most exciting moments going to John Cena presenting in the nude (with one well-placed rather large envelope) for Best Costume category. The irony was genuinely surprising and funny. Also, the aforementioned John Mulaney was hilarious, using his roundabout plot synopsis of Field of Dreams (hello, Kevin Costner!) as a clever way to introduce the Best Sound category.  And, of course, Ryan Gosling performing “I’m Just Ken” from Barbie being the absolute highlight for his commitment to the bit. Ryan Gosling for everything!


Other than that, it was a swath of predictability, with Oppenheimer sweeping the wins in most of the high-profile categories. Barbie was shut out of every nomination. I guess the message to Greta Gerwig from the Academy is, “Thanks for making our industry over a billion dollars. Now go fuck yourself.” May Christopher Nolan’s ego remain ever massaged!


Speaking of predictability, can we please address “Award Show Fatigue.” There are too many televised events before the Oscars – as in, most awards are already in the bag, as predicted by the SAG, Golden Globes, and so on that there are very few surprises left for the big night. I get – I love celebrating myself too. But maybe do less? We’d all benefit.


And thus concludes my hot Oscar takes. Yay, me! Now, where is my award?!


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