Celebricate: Celebrating Celebrities & the messes they make!
(Newsletter for the week of 3-18-24)
Welcome back and thanks to all the new (and old) subscribers! It’s a thrill to be writing this again, made even more fun with your kind feedback and support. You are the best! Now let’s get into it.
The Oscars… were fine. I watched them. Maybe you watched them too. Click here for my thoughts.
Speaking of movies, Larry’s reaction to our next film festival was, “I still don’t know who Ryan Phillippe is. But I’m sure you’ll remind me.” Um, hello?! The star of the 1999 classic Cruel Intentions? And who can forget his stunning turn in I Know What You Did Last Summer? Additionally, he’s the man Reese Witherspoon walked up to at a party and said, “I think you’re my birthday present!” That hot little line resulted in him fathering two of her three children! I mean – COME ON. How can you not know this? It’s official: the educational system in our country is broken. But not on my watch – the situation will be rectified. Stay tuned.
If we never talk about Chelsea and Jimmy again from Netflix’s latest season of Love is Blind, it will still be too soon. In the infamous words of Bethenny Frankel’s Scary Island tirade, “GO TO SLEEP.” (That’s Bravo shorthand for, “You’re crazy. Get out of here.” I know I’m mixing my references, but it’s all I can think about when I see these two. Like, please just cut it out. No good can come from this. Megan Fox would like her life back, and so would I.) This season was both boring and unpleasant, in my opinion. (Not that I'll ever stop watching - lol.) In fact, it might be time to retire LIB in general, given that Netflix seems allergic to doing background checks. As in Jeramy’s (yes, that’s how he spells it) ex revealing his cache of guns and concern of his self-styled military ops training? It’s in the police report! You’re planning on sending an innocent woman home with this man! Reddit found it. Why can’t Netflix? Make it stop.
Have you seen JLo’s movie about herself, titled This Is Me… Now: A Love Story? Me neither! I’m not sure what the point of the project was, other than one long commercial for her latest album. (Flop era? We’ve arrived.) That’s all fine. Why not document your journey to being back in Ben “Boston Dunkin’ Donuts” Affleck’s arms? But to tune of $20 million dollars of her own money? Once again, I’m forced to ask, “But why?! Girl, you got him. He’s at your house now. We don’t need a movie to remind us.” On the one hand: sure, that’s a flex. You’ve got $20 million dollars to spare. On a vanity project. And your significant other is also so wealthy that this does not cause a strain on your relationship. You just do it. And it doesn’t result in divorce or bankruptcy. So, congrats on that. But also – you have a spare $20 million laying around and you choose to spend it promoting yourself. Not charity: for children, or schools, or helping the unhoused population, or feeding anyone but the crew working on the film about yourself. Because fuck those people! Am I right? Go to Amazon Prime now and stream it in all its glory. Afterall, JLo has story to tell about her love life!
Speaking of love: Countess Luann de Lesseps, she of Real Housewives of New York fame and our most favorite delulu cabaret star is dating Mary Kate Olson’s ex, Olivier Sarkozy because those are words you can put in a sentence together. Anything is possible in the Big Apple!
Natalie Portman has graduated! Yes, the Oscar-winning star is a recent recipient of a diploma from the “How You Win Them is How You Lose Them” school of broken relationships. It’s recently been reported that Portman has separated from Benjamin Millepied, her husband of 11 years. The two met on the set of Black Swan when he was hired to help her with the role’s demanding choreography, and they began an affair shortly thereafter. (Millepied left his girlfriend, ballerina Isabella Boylston, to be with Portman.) Natalie “quietly filed for divorce” from Benjamin when his dalliance with Camille Etienne, a climate activist 20 years his junior, was revealed. Sometimes you simply cannot ignore the global warming of one’s privates! Best of luck to Natalie as she moves on – hopefully to greener, less cheating pastures.
Things that are currently delighting me:
· Million Dollar Decorators on Netflix. One glorious season of horrible people decorating the homes of the super-rich. The way everyone is so unapologetically awful is thrilling. America! (There are two seasons of the former Bravo show, but Netflix is only steaming season one. Why are you being such a bastard about this, Netflix? Give me all of it!) Watch this if you need a quick & dirty reality TV binge. Just have your gold-grouted shower ready – you’ll need a rinse.
· Anything by Rachel Hawkins! I just tore through The Villa and Reckless Girls in days and now The Wife Upstairs is awaiting me on my bedside table. (I’m saving her latest release, The Heiress, for last.) It’s such a treat to find an author who has several titles available, all of them great. Don’t wait until beach read season – devour these novels today.
· Newks Hot Sauces. Locally sourced and bottled (well, if you’re in Portland), the unique flavors are a treat on a variety of dishes. You think might you don’t want a dill pickle tabasco, but trust me – you do!
· Queenpins – also on Netflix. (I have other streaming services, I swear.) The wild true story of a woman who started a business based on stolen coupons, ultimately ending up a multimillionaire before attracting the attention of law enforcement. The film version is an absolute delight: Kristen Bell and Kirby Howell-Baptiste crush it as besties longing for better lives, with morally questionable choices on how to get there. A great flick for a fun cozy couch watch.
Meanwhile, I'm wishing you the confidence of: Emma Roberts, growling at paparazzi for bothering her as she exits a Hamptons bookstore - not realizing they're there to photograph former president Bill Clinton. Occasionally it's not all about you. But I encourage you to continue living bold, Emma!
